People Pleasing in Women: Why you struggle to say no

You’re thoughtful & kind. Except here’s the thing, you’ve got 101 things on your plate just now & you just told your friend you’d meet her for a drink, your partner you’d make the dinner & work that you’ll do an extra shift. You’re exhausted, resentful & would love to have more boundaries.

Sometimes you might tell yourself that you need to be the one that looks after everything & everyone because that’s what people pleasers so. But what if I told you that this may be more about meeting you & your feelings than solely the needs of others? That you adapted, potentially in childhood to not having your own needs met and over empathise with others so the rescuer in you kicks into action, maybe the role of ‘the helpful one’ provided you with an identity that you can’t shake, perhaps you don’t see your worth beyond how can I serve others and as a women you may feel societal pressures to be in sacrifice mode. There is a myriad of reasons why you identify as a people pleaser.

People pleasing can be a childhood adaptation seeping in to adulthood.

In therapy, I often help my clients to explore, understand & address their need to be needed. I may ask: ‘Think about what happens when you think someone else is needing something & you say you can’t help them. How do you feel & what happens in your body?’

Inquiries like this allow you to pause to cultivate self-awareness & connection to your feelings when people pleasing urges strike. This is the threshold in recognising your need to regulate yourself by attempting to regulate another. Recognising your nervous system associates keeping others happy with feeling safe.

For many of my clients, bringing awareness to how you feel when someone needs help is the starting point to recognising what’s authentically giving and what’s managing uncomfortable feelings in you. From there we can gently explore new ways of relating to yourself and others that’s not about compromising your wellbeing while maintaining the kind, thoughtful parts of you that can help others (read ‘can’ not compulsively need too!).
Because we don’t live in isolation, but we can live in a way that recognises where we end and others begin.

If you recognise yourself in this and you’d like some support, you’re welcome to get in touch. You don’t need a big reason, just a sense that this might be something worth talking about. I invite you to book a free 15 minute intro call to see what it would be like to work together. If you don’t see a date/time that suits then get in touch and let me know some options to when you’re free. If you have any questions please get in touch.

Remember, we help in connection, not isolation.

Angela